Dio's journal, expedition june 2016

[totallysane]

Are you even going to want to carry this with you all the way there and back? I tried to make it small and not something that would weigh you down, but I'll understand if you decide it's weighing you down or something happens to it. But we'll give it a try.

I don't intend for you to sit down and read the whole thing at once, but it's not like I'm going to be there to make you portion it out, or make you read it at all. Do whatever you want. But I'm only putting a little on a page because I want it to be like little notes for you, just reminders of me when I'm not with you.

Sorry I can't be with you. I wanted to go, and I'm not sure if you'll understand why I didn't or not. It might seem silly that I take so much responsibility for the settlement when no one really seems to care what I do, but it's important to me not to leave the depot and the people staying behind, when most of the other strong believers are going. Please be safe and take care of yourself and take care of those who come with you who are precious to us both.

I'll be here waiting when you get back, with anything you need. And I hope that the little gift I gave you helps you out along the way, be sure to be careful of the sun and everything!

I'll miss you. I'm a terrible liar, you know. I promised I wouldn't tell you that I love you all the time, but I can't seem to keep that promise. I want to say it until the words ring in your ears and deafen you. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

...

All right, enough of that. Let's say something you might want to hear? But I'm not sure what that will be, exactly. It's funny, we both know a lot about each other and don't know a lot about each other. I wonder if you would be really bored hearing about the life I had before this world. It certainly didn't involve vampires with freaky tentacle fingers, but it was pretty weird sometimes. I don't know that I really want to talk about the person we've fought over, exactly, but I wonder if you might understand me better if you knew that I wasn't always as bold as you see me.

I was really shy as a kid. Could barely get out words sometimes, and was far too nervous to even go on school trips. I wouldn't leave my hometown. I was the kind of kid who whines and worries about getting in trouble if their friend wants to go out in the middle of the night to play.

Can you imagine it, really?

Me, your Thriller, not being able to go out to play without worrying about being in trouble. It's silly, isn't it? But you know, sometimes I think I'm still that boy in some ways, just in strange ones that aren't so obvious.

I'm certainly scared now. The thing I worry about most is being forgotten. Maybe sending you this journal was kind of a selfish thing in that way.

So many people want you. Maybe not in the same ways I do, but the fact is that you're pretty popular around here, at least for Distraction. What if by the time you get back, you don't even find me interesting anymore?

...

When I think things like that, I think that I would like to do so many things with you that are permanent. Look, I'm not trying to court you here. We both know better than that. I'll leave that kind of language to you. But sometimes I think about the fact that you gave someone else a collar, and think that I'd like to see you wear the one I gave you, sometime.

I want to own you. Is that sick, Dio? Do you feel sick thinking about it? I want to mark each other, sometimes, permanently. I already changed my body for you, but that was my choice, and not something you asked for or took any part in. I want to do it together.

...

Enough of that, maybe it's too serious. Would you like to hear something funny? Like maybe how I'm sitting here at the desk in my room putting this together to have ready before you leave, and I keep getting distracted because thinking about you makes me horny?

I can't decide if I want these to be love notes or dirty ones.

Maybe a little of both, like the other letter I wrote you. Maybe it's like I said, and I can't separate those things I want from you.

...

Someday, I'm going to make you go on a disgustingly cute date with me. We'll go into a book, maybe, since you're not that fond of my illusion-making friend and I don't want to share this anyway.

I wonder if the trick with books works with things you write yourself or just with real books. If I could write you a version of my world to show you, that would be amazing. I would do it, for you. I wonder if imagining up a guidebook of the city would work too though.

When I first moved to Tokyo, I wanted to go see all these romantic views, and I didn't have anyone to take with me. Now I think about it sometimes. Whether those worlds are truly gone forever or not - or just didn't ever exist? - there are things I saw there that I would like to show you. Someday, let's stand at the top of a skycraper together, looking out a window, and look at a whole city and think how we could experience it together. I want to dance to music that makes my head spin and my heart beat with you. I want to walk together down a street at night, and look up at the mix of stars and lights, and hold hands and kiss under a streetlight like some old movie.

Isn't that gross? It's pretty gross.

...

Would it turn you on or annoy to know that I got pissy at Demyx over you? I wonder.

...

Would it turn you on to know that I once shoved my whole fist inside myself imagining it was you? It was a pretty awkward thing to do, positioning-wise and everything, but my fingers just weren't feeling like enough, and none of the toys I have compare to you, even if they're big ones. There's just nothing like the feeling of you, pressing down over me or pulling me down, the strength of you but also that feeling of amusement you get when I'm being impatient and you're laughing at me for being, well, Thriller.

...

You'd better not get hurt or die out there or anything.

I'll be very unhappy!!!

...

I've told you before that I think you deserve to live, even with everything you've done, but just in case you ever need to see it in print, here it is.

You deserve to live.

Dio. You, Dio, deserve to live. Not only that, but I think you do deserve to be loved, by someone who can understand you and love you anyway.

...

Is it weird to say I'm happy that Masaki went with you, even though I'll miss you both? I'm happy Masaki went with you. Take good care of her!

Or I'll beat the hell out of you in an entirely non-fun way. Somehow.

...

I'm going to believe really hard that you're going to have a really good trip and come back safe. And I don't really pray all that much, and I'm not really that religious a person, but I'm going to go to the Sanctuary and pray every day anyway. Just in case it does any good.

...

It's too bad it puts stress on the Hedonists to bring people back to life, because I would really like to die for you someday.

I'm not sure that would mean anything to you if it's not permanent, but you and I both know that dying comes with prices, and that it's not pleasant.

I'd like it though. I don't know if you can really drink me dry - I've put a lot of energy into believing otherwise - but having you kill me while feeding from me would feel pretty special.

...

Hey! How do you feel about taking a vacation together someday, just you and me? Just for a couple of days maybe. I've been trying to think of good getaway spots, but I think it would be pretty fun. The lake is kind of gross, so that's not really a good choice, and everyone is stomping around the catacombs a bit much since new levels were discovered. But maybe we could find somewhere.

What if I just made us some kind of cute little love nest in a private place here in the town? Like a secret getaway just for me and you?

Of course you have other priorities, I know that, but maybe for a day or two we could pretend we're the only people in the world. I'd like that.

...

I'm sorry we didn't get around to spending the night together much yet.

I think I might make a Dio-pillow to keep me company until you get back.

...

Hey! Don't forget to smile now and then!

...

Are you taking good care of yourself? You'd better be taking good care of yourself. If you come back all half-dead I'm not going to be happy with you!

...

Have I ever told you that I sometimes think about you at the weirdest times? Like when I'm working at the supply depot, right in the middle of cleaning up or straightening things, all of a sudden I drop whatever I'm holding because I'm too busy thinking about you.

I'm pretty sure that's about being in love, and not just wanting your dick.

...

Though your dick is pretty nice too.

...

I'm going to be ready to explode by the time you get back. I hope you're ready to eat then, because I'm going to want to feed you until you pop. And maybe give you lots and lots of kisses. I can't get enough of them from you. Isn't that weird, considering everything?

...

You make me laugh a lot. I know you don't like to be laughed at, and I'm not trying to be mean when I tell you that I think you're kind of ridiculous sometimes, but it feels good to be around you like that.

...

I should really make you record some quality porn for me someday. Just. To have.

I'm going to miss you. Just sitting here writing this and imagining how I'll feel weeks from now when you're still not back yet, it makes me feel desperate in a lot of weird conflicting ways.

...

Hey, Dio.

DIO.

DIOOOOOOOOO.

I just really like writing your name.

...

Let's play a scene someday where it's like we're a normal couple of some type. Just once. sometime.

...

I wish I could have fed you my real heart. Watching you eat the one filled with my blood was one of the best moments of my life.
...

I hope you intend to always come back to me, because I can't make any promises about what I'll do if you don't.